WTF Fanfiction

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Mighty Men Noodle'd

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April 12, 2014 7:40 am
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March 18, 2014 3:50 am
Fandom: Harry Potter
"My dear Draco and Adriana,
I assume by now you have reached your new home. Although I can say I have not personally seen it, I’ve been told it’s a real winner.
Keys:Red Keys - House (Front Door)Green Keys - CarPurple Keys - SUV
I have also included the insurance papers for both vehicles and the house. We can never be too careful, right?
Again, I hope you enjoy your new home. Please address any problems to Snape. He shall deal with them in a timely matter.
- The Dark Lord”

Fandom: Harry Potter

"My dear Draco and Adriana,

I assume by now you have reached your new home. Although I can say I have not personally seen it, I’ve been told it’s a real winner.

Keys:
Red Keys - House (Front Door)
Green Keys - Car
Purple Keys - SUV

I have also included the insurance papers for both vehicles and the house. We can never be too careful, right?

Again, I hope you enjoy your new home. Please address any problems to Snape. He shall deal with them in a timely matter.

- The Dark Lord”

March 9, 2014 8:10 pm
Fandom: Harry Potter
"Snape began sucking on Hermione’s boob like a calf sucking on a cow’s udder. He slid his hand expertly down to her pot of honey and stroked it. He moved his lips and bit small marks on her like someone eating a bag of potato chips. Hermione moaned like a ghost in a graveyard."

Fandom: Harry Potter

"Snape began sucking on Hermione’s boob like a calf sucking on a cow’s udder. He slid his hand expertly down to her pot of honey and stroked it. He moved his lips and bit small marks on her like someone eating a bag of potato chips. Hermione moaned like a ghost in a graveyard."

4:21 pm
Fandom: Harry Potter
"Lay down Hermione. You will soon feel the pleasure of Snape’s snake."

Fandom: Harry Potter

"Lay down Hermione. You will soon feel the pleasure of Snape’s snake."

February 28, 2014 7:10 pm
Fandom: Harry Potter
“‘We’re back and joined forces and stronger than ever!’ said voldemort and Dumbledore at the same time!”

Fandom: Harry Potter

“‘We’re back and joined forces and stronger than ever!’ said voldemort and Dumbledore at the same time!”

January 15, 2014 1:48 pm
Monica's Ultimate Collection of Shitty Fics by PajamaSecrets

Contains copious crack pairings, nakedness, canola oil, and butts. You have been warned.

Meant to be shitty and humorous. If you take this seriously, you need to re-evaluate your life choices.

This is the ‘Implied Thranduil/Miley Cyrus’ one!

January 5, 2014 7:10 pm
Fandom: Harry Potter
“‘how can dey still see us!!1’ sed hary pottr
it wuz bcuz da ski wuz wit an we wuz da only blak guys on da feild.
'it is bcuz da ski is wit an we is da only blak guys on da feeld' i sed.”

Fandom: Harry Potter

“‘how can dey still see us!!1’ sed hary pottr

it wuz bcuz da ski wuz wit an we wuz da only blak guys on da feild.

'it is bcuz da ski is wit an we is da only blak guys on da feeld' i sed.”

December 30, 2013 1:14 pm

I went through a few of your tags, randomly selected a bunch of posts, and strung them all together into a single fic. This was the result. Consider it an early New Year’s gift.
 
[[MORE]]*****
 
Act I
 
It was 1599 and there was poo in the streets. Noises of coitus filled the air. Sherlock was a stunning baritone on normal days, but when aroused his voice became more sensation than sound. It was vibrating cello strings that were dripping with warm chocolate.
 
“I’m here my darling,” he whispered stroking the tortoise. “You look so sexy when you munch on that lettuce.” Clyde looked in to Sherlock’s eyes waiting for the next leaf that would serve as his meal. Looking into the tortoise’s eyes, Sherlock understood his lover’s feelings. Just then, Daniel Drieberg showed up, wearing a pink ballerina outfit. “Hello,” he said, sounding as much like a woman on crack as possible. Sherlock has travelled to the other side of the bed completely, now curled up on John’s side instead, wrapped completely in the sheets like an overly tall British burrito with great hair. Oh fuck, thought John, Sherlock looks like a sex burrito. Suddenly John’s custard stick erupted like a great volcano of doom, releasing its lava all over the townsfolk of Karkat’s nook. It was sicker and burnier than any rap ever spoken/sung/slammed. Dave would be crying if he knew such a beautiful moment had occurred. The waffle iron was practically gagging for it - Loki slammed the top down and eagerly stroked himself as the machine heated up. He rubbed at his balls and imagined how tender the insides of the waffles would be after the expert cooking of the appliance, and then jerked himself harder as he imagined biting down into the crispy outsides of the breakfast food, his gasps and groans getting progressively louder. John seems to have lost his voice entirely. It’s gone. It fled to a land where boners grow on trees and jizzrain makes the assflowers bloom. Sparks flew out of Sherlock’s ass.
 
“Open your legs,” Severus said, with all the passion of a gynecologist. He’s like a fairy cockmother or something. He should order business cards.
 
“Brother,” Thor boomed, “I must copulate with you now!” His eyes connected with Bruce’s, and Bruce swayed over Severus’s bound form, his tan perfectly muscled chest making a reflective mockery of Severus’s sallow scarred toaster rack of a rib cage. Dally grabbed Snape’s dick and threw it out the window. After a few minutes Bruce hops back into the shower and heres a door slam and thinks that Dick left. He starts the show back up and starts to masterbate again. Bruce starts working his hand up and down his dick. Bruce keeps saying, “I am Batman!” over and over again. The anelg stared into his green rapunzel eyes.
 
“Let me tell you something about anal probing.” He said in a voice like wet heaven.
 
Bruce is silent for a long time, his hands hanging heavy and still by his sides. It’s astonishing how much sheer menace he can project just by standing there, breathing, like the carbon dioxide molecules he exhales will float through the gap between them and then perforate John from the inside out until he’s nothing but a deconstructed meat bag of pinpoint holes and shredded protein chains. John just watches him, fascinated, trying to figure out how he does it. Without any warning nor lubrication Jesus pushed the bible into John’s arse. John screamed. His ass was full of bible. Ohhhhhaaaahhhhhngggnnnhhhhhhh.
 
“shit why am i in space.” Jesus wondered. He wiped away a Jewish tear and held his anus in his hand.
 
Harry inhaled Severus’ neck and he let out a sigh of ecstasy. Steve resisted the urge to punch the air in triumph – he’d literally fucked Tony Stark’s brains out. His orgasm exploded so hard that he cried lightning until his vision went white. Hogwarts collapsed after all of there lovemaking and tehy transformed and flew away into the darkness of the night. Every memeber of Dethklok was present; none of them wore pants; and all of them clutched a watermelon that they furiously thrust onto their erect penises. It must be true: they’d finally managed to fuck Starscream stupid.
 
*****
 
Intermission
 
“You can’t keep it a secret much longer, Severus. He’ll find out about you knowing that he knew about you knowing about it.” Sherlock squealed like a warthog getting pummeled in the buttocks by a giraffe.
 
“Oh my sweet lord!” the store clerk exclaimed shrilly, clasping a dramatic hand over his heart. “He’s finally realised, hasn’t he? That he likes cock? That he’s as gay as bottle of air freshener? As queer as a handbag full of rainbows? And now you’re dating him? Am I right?”
 
“Yes, Sir,” said Harry, wondering what the old wizard was going on about. He hoped it wasn’t about socks again. He had received at least three letters about socks from Dumbledore this summer, each one longer than the last. He was beginning to wonder if Dobby had taken over the school.  Apparently Malfoy felt the same way, because Harry caught sight of something he thought he’d never see: Draco fucking a plant as vigorously as he possibly could. 
 
*****
 
Act II
 
That night stalin and hitler had sax. Anal sex. In the butt. A deep, otherworldly voice suddenly spoke, coming from the demonic dick. Hitler had become a Super Saiyan. Holy heroin addicts in Detroit, Batman.
 
"….My NAME is Adolf Hitler, and I am here to devour YOUR SOUL!” Hitler yelled of the top of his extremely evil lungs. 
 
“FUCW YOU.” Doctor screamed.  The reader looked down at their keyboard to see if the letters W and K were close to eachother. They weren’t.
 
“Lol time to die” said Lestrade. His body is a tool, he can change it into anything he desired. He changes his arm to two complex penises. 
 
Matt Smith laughed and took aim “Bullets are cool i shoot bullets now” he laughed.
 
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
 
And with that, Dumbledore turned back to his Lego Hogwarts, accidentally knocking the Lego version of Voldemort off of one of the towers. “Oops. Sorry, Tom.”
 
Before the others had a chance to ask what a wookie was it started raining mutants. First came down a human sized rat with a walking stick. He landed on Frodo and killed him. Then a red clad turtle with a pair of sais came down and landed on Harry, killing him. Aragorn shouted “TO anus on angel!” and lift his sword high as he lead charge of ghoty warrioers to battle aginst the Teletubbies. On the fourth day, Lucifer was vanquished. The four horsemen retreated back into Hades, the cries of the demons were silenced forever and order was restored to the world. God celebrated by purchasing a Slap Chop and spent the evening attacking His food with ninja precision. Marie opened up the gate to Versailles, and let his carriage inside. Ben thrust into her repeatedly until he came and signed his signature on the walls of her uterus as if it was the Declaration of Independence. Air is the element of freedom. Without clothes, we are free. The epic music began to play as America flew through the sky naked with a jetpack spewing napalm from his dong. The other nations scrambled but it was too late because AMERICA FUCK YEAH! Canada then fucked Prussia with his THIRTEEN INCH SAUSAGE. THEN WITH HIS COCK.  
 
*****
 
Epilogue
 
Dean stares.  Sam stares back.  Cas stares at both of them.  There’s a lot of staring.
 
“I’ve been plagued by dreams of you in a cowboy outfit having sexual encounters with farm animals, okay?”
 
Harry’s cow popped out of the barn door and mooed dangerously. 
 
Sam does all sorts of things to the boobies and runs along the wall going “VRooom, Vroooom!” while his hand goes along the wall and feels up hundreds of boobies. He’s pretty sure he just ejaculated brain matter, but whatever. Benedict jumped across the rooftops elegantly like an aerodynamic deer with an owl’s face.
 
“Hello, Sam. I’m God. Would you like a cookie?”
 
Sam grinned like a madman on crack. River twirled like a lady in a fancy tampon commercial. Sherlock’s been turned into a ferret.
 
They banged. The End.

I went through a few of your tags, randomly selected a bunch of posts, and strung them all together into a single fic. This was the result. Consider it an early New Year’s gift.

 

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December 23, 2013 3:50 am
Fandom: Harry Potter
"Again, the human girl used her previous experience to try to prepare for the volley of hot cream. And again those preparations weren’t quite enough when dealing with a male veela. First, the seminal fluid shot out as if pushed out of a spray cannon and the girl barely held on. Then, it built up far quicker than expected. Despite her valiant efforts to swallow, the substance rapidly backed up the girl’s nostrils. From there, the girl lost all control. Coughing, wheezing and sprouting white sticky viscous from both her mouth and nose, the girl hastily backed away."

Fandom: Harry Potter

"Again, the human girl used her previous experience to try to prepare for the volley of hot cream. And again those preparations weren’t quite enough when dealing with a male veela. First, the seminal fluid shot out as if pushed out of a spray cannon and the girl barely held on. Then, it built up far quicker than expected. Despite her valiant efforts to swallow, the substance rapidly backed up the girl’s nostrils. From there, the girl lost all control. Coughing, wheezing and sprouting white sticky viscous from both her mouth and nose, the girl hastily backed away."

December 18, 2013 7:40 am
Fandom: Harry Potter
"Snape was fucking the shit out of Bella, but since she was blinde (the bag had punctured her eyes) she thought it was Edward and moaned punctually."

Fandom: Harry Potter

"Snape was fucking the shit out of Bella, but since she was blinde (the bag had punctured her eyes) she thought it was Edward and moaned punctually."